songs

Exhaust the little moment. Soon it dies.
And be it gash or gold; it will not come again in this identical guise.

~Gwendolyn Brooks

I have been storing songs for awhile now. I feel happy when I get to share them and happiest when I feel like something I gave birth to goes and walks somewhere on its own, hugs someone I like or pursues a perfect stranger. I love writing songs mostly because it helps me process my life and chronicle my human experience. There are times I wonder if it’s alright to allow myself the freedom to make music about the trouble I encounter. Are there songs I shouldn’t write? Why do the songs I feel a little bad about writing seem to be the songs that write themselves? My Christian music experience maybe traumatized me in that way. It has taken practice to permit myself to create art without agenda or concern of judgement. It’s a little scary when a song reveals you but a song also has a way of covering you at the same time, wrapping around you like a warm robe understanding just how naked you feel.

Rejection is a fine muse and one that visits me often, offering wonderfully dark space where songs can light up corners. Ambiguity is my throw rug. The acoustics provided by emptiness magnify the strength of the voice, so it’s kind of empowering making noise in those places that once made me feel cold and small. I believe songs can beautify our pain and make it bearable. I also like complicating and losing and romanticizing myself in lyrics, making up a story or mixing and matching ideas and feelings and characters I’ve become acquainted with. Sometimes revelations come, everything is still and clear and I see to the bottom of the lake and I love to write about that. I love to write about love the most. I am learning when melody and rhyme come attached to any moment, to receive the gift and not ask questions or over think it.

This is a place I will post my lyrics and ramblings for your perusal. I really love you for reading and especially for responding. It means lots to me. xo

This song is named after a real place along the Oregon Coast line. If everyone made thier big decisions there, the world would be better for it. This song has not been recorded yet, or even arranged. I want it to be epic. It will require help from someone with a cinematic mind.

Wayfinding Point

i’m coming back and i’m sore

from places you never would guess… blame me

as i’ve been a fool

but i’m better at joking now

i want your arms in my art

my heart has a second address

race me i’ll beat you to home

the one we both know

i’m gonna find us a star

our world could circle that light…..                                                                                                                                                                             

wings are the difference between falling and flight                                                                                                                        

way finding i’m looking out

i’m gonna reach a new height

lately i’ve found letting go

makes holding feel right

i won’t mistake possession for devotion

i won’t mistake attention for love

i am thankful and i’m happy with my family around me

it’s enough it’s enough it’s enough

and my best dreams stay with me (and my best friends sing this part with me in pretty harmony)

It can be dangerous sitting too long by an ocean. To take the poll you must first read following lyrics. : )

said she

city and the ocean

shoulder to shouler

they lean into each other

at high tide

city’s so affected by the moody sea

you have all the power

don’t you

said she

wanting for me

i can feel your hands on my shore

reaching for me

leaving me your favorite stones

jealous sand and concrete-

you’re so seemly free

things float on you and move into me

always out and about, well i’m happy here

watching how the light is changing you my dear

wanting for me

i can feel your hands on my shore

bring me good things

leaving me your favorite stones

i’ll call them my own

like you’re my own

call them my own,

call you my own

I am very happy with myself for creating a new phrase. Seadust and starfoam is another way to say- I don’t even know how to talk right now, I am very confused. You are welcome to use it. My friend Travis Barker left me a progression to play with and this song came of it. He wrote a part 2 – a sweet lullaby-esc answer and it gets big and beautiful at the end. Can’t wait to record it. Part one is on the video page. Dee took that picture.

seadust and starfoam

seadust and starfoam

my God

how do i reach for you?

i have it figured out

i do.

i know about leaving

and motel sheets

and lows and blues

i want a telescope

a viewpoint

a destination in my mind

i’ll flip coins

with you

unfamiliar trees copper rose

or ocean blues

Ah, love.  Saturday is the best day for blushing.

Saturday

call me on a saturday

take me to your very favorite place

singing songs that know us best

arm and arm

then chest to chest

we make our promises

we both agree to honor this

you comfort me my loving dear friend

hands folding letters to send

though I’d rather be down by the trains again

holding close and catching my breath

we keep our promises

we both agree to honor this till death

seeing ourselves on the glass in the stream

and fall on the grass our kiss assembling

you translate love in such foreign ways

whisper words that frame me for days

we keep our promises

we both agree to honor this

I don’t like sad endings. And I finally got my record player fixed!

never see me

oh I put my hours in

I kept the minutes

I documented it … my experience

now I’m bored with the elements and my wordiness

I wrote the very last page and I threw the book away

with a hope~

you’ll never see me again

never see me again

oh I got my records back

I got my records back

never see me again

never see me again

oh I got my records back

yeah, I got my records back!

weather’s changing again

and my mind is too

now you’re always out of state

I’m me minus you

you’ll never see me again

never see me again

oh I got my records back

yeah, I got my records back

never see me again

never see me again

oh I got my records back

I got my records back!

and you’ll never have to see me again : )

i timed the birds

i timed the birds from tree to wire

close, we’re close

close and closer to get

talk of spring

and silk and wings

i made you a fabric choir

singing under the blanket over us

sun filters through like stage lights blue and red

in our collapsing tent

held up just by shoulders and heads

we didn’t talk about that

but i wanted to

i wanted to

i wanted to

My friend Richard gave me a track full of bells and banjo and who needs a 1? drums. I like challenges. I wrote this song for his sister and my grandma and me.

Brass Bed

You were so kind to save my place

understanding  intricacies of grace

everything changes before my face

but I’m keeping time and making space

I’m gonna change my curtains to red

I’m gonna sleep alone in my bed

She let me set the silver on the floor

let me wear the lipstick that she wore

I hid her cigarettes could I love her more?

she worries cause her life is an awful bore

breaking the springs on grandmothers brass bed

braving the years she said she wasted

money is a poison and praise will cost

idols fall and break when the love gets lost

but I have a thought that saves me from myself

I’ll meditate on nothing else

there’s someone that saved me from myself

I’ll mediate on no else

This is my little anthem, a sing along song. It came to me at a time in my life when I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be alright, spending lots of time in the fetal position, eat worms and die tune in my head all the time. Whenever I perform this song… I experience this extreme elation, a roomful of beautiful people singing to me and each other that it will be alright… it’s about the sweetest thing in the world, unless no one sings. Then, it’s sort of depressing.

Alright

go where you go

soak up what you see

where ever you are

I feel like your with me

such friends

such roads

tired but on our feet in the light

and I know we’re gonna be alright

nothing you could say

is gonna frighten me

oh fall in my arms

cry yourself free

that internal tide

changes everything in sight

but in time it’s gonna be alright

I know we’re gonna be alright

joy in the trial

what happiness

hearts all our hearts

just look a bloody mess

they keep us alive

and beat us half to death tonight

but I know we’re gonna be alright

stay will you stay

and tell me what you’ve seen

oh every time you are

I love when you’re with me

such friends

such a road

tired but on our feet in the light

and I know we’re gonna be alright

Here’s the most disturbing song I’ve ever written.

I Forget (mother’s against drunk dating)

He asked me to a show which I wanted to go

but he’s someone that I barely know

feeling sad cuz I never get out

needing something new to talk about

didn’t take much to twist my arm

little fun couldn’t do me no harm

I forget what he said

but I guess I let it go to my head

Everything black but a carpeted wall

and glowing flyers lining the hall I walked down

feeling self aware

joined a room full checking their hair

I came out and he was holding my drink

and it gave me little time to think

I forget what he said

but I guess I let it go to my head

Now I’m feeling prettier than before

found our place out there on the floor

two hours from the encore

still I said yeah I’ll have one more

and the lights now spinning me

and 2 glasses led to 3

and I forget what he said but I guess I let it go my head

heightened delight in such as the subtleties of touch

another glass goes down so fast

I don’t think that I am going to last

Can we go I can hardly stand

we kissed and he took my hand

and I forget what he said

Once outside I said I want to go home

but he had no plans to leave me alone

well my place was just a mile away

you can come in but you can not stay

it wasn’t long did I asked him to go

when I realized he wouldn’t take no

didn’t take much to twist back my arms

and he said he wouldn’t do me no harm

and the tears rolled down my face

in sobering disgrace and I forget

Now to cheer us up. Buddy Ross makes inspiring, happy tracks. I listened to one of them and wrote this a few springs ago. I hope the song comes out someday.

holiday

every time I wake up

I find it’s a different day

this one won’t fall apart

you’ll help me hem the fray

when I’m dressed can we meet at the water?

the sky is remembering spring

coming back now

I see that there are

bright birds home that traveled far

circle then sing thier songs for me

ah it’s all that I crave

a copper clever thought

it’s my penny to save

wait for a well

invest in a dream

brave as a melting mountain stream

running white and ever bluegreen

oh! did I see you smiling?

feelings could we let them last?

the kind so beguiling…

what are your plans and when you are you free?

how about spending the summer with me?

you’re joy on the heels on tragedy

oh love is a holiday

we’re off and up and away

I don’t have anywhere that I need to be

how about spending the summer with me?

where’s North now?

we’ve a world to see

a little closer please

this very next part requires that you entice my tease

don’t tell me no and could you stay?

cause I wanna always feel this way

follow

follow after me

One afternoon a good while back, I had a fine talk and cry with my friend Aaron Stevens. That conversation I believe dislodged this song.  I wrote it on the accordion. I can’t play accordion but I can push the buttons down and come up with exciting melodies.

where else to go

levers

everything around me is a blur

I slow

I feel nothing on my own

the circuits blown

my arms are out

lower

level with the sea

I get so sick with grief

mountains sprung up your the yard

now the city’s hard to stroll

lovely

all the darkest places hide the precious stones

cave, womb and sea

unassumingly create and hold

really

I can lose my bearings

inbetween the songs

my dizzy summaries

birds that borrow trees

and make their presence known

wondered

could you say you thought of me

to someone?

I wear contrition’s frown

and I’ll never come around

haven’t want to be around

anymore

I am

hiding in the basement of my storied soul

I don’t know where else to go

where else to go

nowhere else to go

I was 4 or 5 months pregnant with my third child. Surprise baby! Mr Swift handed me some of the prettiest music that ever my ears had met. His working title for the track was something like- born a mother- so it was a good thing there was a pregnant lady around for him to offer it to. This was our first collaboration.

balancing

time alters its pace so the soul can’t gauge

one day its a sanguine slide then a melancholy cage

hurried ahead and I fall behind

not the same, I’m shamed by some imagined measuring line

but capture my eye and my cares take flight

and I just want to be here with you tonight

hollowing dreams to be filled with life

let no old preoccupation hinder forward sight

you capture my eye and the world’s set right

and I just want to be here with you tonight

steady steady balancing no wavering you balance me

under angelic covering you’re saving me tonight

every change like a bridge with toll

to reach your destination costs something of your soul

but worth all the pain for the time you save

and a rich return for the love you gave

steady steady balancing no wavering you balance me

under angelic covering you stay with me

owens streams entertaining light

flowing from the source of a soaring mothers height

they capture my eye and my world’s set right

and I know I want to be here

with you tonight

Sometimes you turn 32 and realize you are a little disappointed, just in general, with how you turned out.  You are wearing pajama pants all the time cause you’re not really going anywhere. I am deeper into my 30′s now. I wear yoga pants instead, and not all the time.

worth the fight

I’ve been chosen

and I’ve been out a mile

I’ve been frozen

and I thaw out alright

nothing tells me I can’t get through

I’ll be safe if I stay by you

All the years that I’ve stayed inside

clearing tables and drinking pride

and I’ve given it all I got

and I’m sorry for what I’m not

I can fake it

faking’s easy

I can make it

so I believe me

I’m in trouble if I let down tonight

say it’s worth the fight

like the tears that you cannot cry

like the hope that you must let die

like the words that you can say yet

like a lover who knows regret

I can fake it

faking’s easy

I can make it

so I believe me

I’d be in trouble if I let down alright

say it’s worth it

always worth

the fight

Sunrise

I’m not sorry for myself

I don’t feel that bad

I wanna dye my hair

and go back to bed

I’m not sorry for myself

I don’t feel so sad

I’m gonna pour a tall drink

and let my shadow skip ahead

I know I’ve got to change

not sure who I’ll be

but I hope when I’m her

I feel more like me

when the sun

falls down from the sky

nobody cries

nobody cries

they know it’s going to rise

My babies make me smile

and my man don’t mind a storm

when it all goes to black

we tangle up warm

And I know it’s worth the fight

when I survey my world

though by faith not by sight

more spirit less girl

It’s too quiet sometimes

and miss my friends

it’s hurting so much

it’s a night that won’t end

See the sun

it fell down from my sky

and oh how I’ve cried

oh how I cry

tell me it’ll rise

I want to watch it rise

sunrise

See the sun

it fell down from my sky

and oh how I’ve cried

oh how I cry

tell me it’ll rise

I want to watch it rise

sunrise

This song is about rerouting and beginning again. Music was a present from dear Travis.

room to start

there’s some truth to a lie

good enough to buy

it’ll cost me a trusting heart

broke looking for the thing it could not find

trouble walks a longer road

if you got some extra miles

you’ll need someone to walk beside

i’d delight to be that company

i would give you my heart

it doesn’t want to settle

a restless marcher

in the summer wood

where is the water that I thought I heard?

sun gets gold everywhere

and shut eyes I can see clear

three whisper so I hear

we have room to start

we have room to start

we have room to start

we have room to start

we have all the dark

to light

to light

to light

to light

and all this time

all this time

I wrote this with my friend Ryan Meline 2004-ish. I remember listening to the progression in my car and the chorus coming to me as I drove past my son’s elementary school and the tears!! I feel this for my kids in the biggest way, it’s drop everything love. I feel my mom in it too…. like she’s always been singing this song over me. I learned love from her.

All Yours

If by now you know just one thing

I hope it’s that you’re not by yourself

that love is surrounding you my dear

if you call out

baby well I’m right here

right here

If you falter

I’ll steady you with my hands

When you get up again

I’ll be cheering in the stands

I know you’re stronger

than any given circumstance

but if you need me

I’ll cancel my plans

I’m all yours

and I’ll be here to remind you

all the beauty inside you

help you find when you’re aching

joy that can not be taken

there will be a day I’ll let you go

but never in my heart

no matter how old that you grow

I’m right here

right here

Three different deaths inspired this song. This is not an easy one to get through for me.

train and a station 

I just want a train and a station

I just want to be somewhere else

I just want that day in Virginia

I just want to go to you

I just want a second opinion

I just want the verdict to bend

if I had you back for a minute

I’d not let that moment end

I just want one conversation

I just want your hand on my head

I just want to know all’s forgiven

I just want to see you again

no there’s no road to get there

I just want to walk on the ocean

I just want to run for the sky

I just want you to say that you love me

I just want where you are tonight

so long this road to get there

My husband had a dream about me quite a while back and in the dream there was much symbolism indicating that I have some abandonment issues and don’t trust men.  Silly dreams.  This is a Buddy Ross track too.  I took that picture of the salt the week I wrote this song a few years ago. (Do let the record show that I have lots of trustworthy men in my life, dad, husband, relatives, friends… I think boys are great. : )

all fall down

he had a dream last night

of my life

brick and mortar

all the ceilings high

cherry wood

mother’s mother’s

lovely chandeliers

velvet drapes

sheets on couches

and on the furniture

dust and web leave me her signature

must I erase it

to find my place in it?

fire burns ever so bright

framed relatives rolling their eyes in candlelight

all of the men outside

a woman’s pride

there’s a martyr

not enough dark to hide

the mistrust that she harbors

creatures will lurk unseen

grey and mean

steal her blessing

while she cleans

and grieves for they’ll leave

sons fathers

oh she will force them out

onto branches born of doubt

onto tired beams that

won’t hold the balcony

they all fall down

madness is but a lock

useless knock

key’s gone missing

room that won’t let you walk

walled in talk

no ones listening

I say it’s all my fault

I am salt

at the table

I am the failure caught

in the claws and the jaws of the fable

must I embrace it

to find the grace in it?

bless me father

lowly daughter

we all fall down

owing honor

arms when it’s over

for comforting

for carrying

we all fall down

This one starts with a line from a letter of my grandmother’s. She never got over her first love. He was a pilot who went down the last flight, the last day of WW2. I imagine her dancing with the memory of him.  That’s a picture of him below.

Room With a View

I want a room with a view of the sea

and and someone to dance with me

ah you with me

my dress will swing

we’ll empty our

our glasses of wine

ah!

saw through the blinds didn’t you?

didn’t you?

climb a wall of vines wouldn’t you?

couldn’t you?

realize

realize that’s love

that’s love

so quiet

it’s quiet like secrets

like secrets you know

you know you know

you know

I want a room with a view of the sea

and and someone to dance with me

ha!

oh you with me

you with me

that’s love

that’s love

love

Marriage is a marathon. I am very grateful to be running with someone so gracious, hilarious and preserving.

on

it was spring

ground full of hope

cruelest swing

weather wore the rope

breathe in the dirt now

gasping for grace

laugh when it hurts and wash off your face

press on

and another miles gone

it’s counting cause you suffered long

you’re tired love

hold on hold on to me

i’m gonna try hard to be everything you need

i’ve no perfection to put on display

but you’ve my affections

i’ll lean your way

we press on

now another miles gone

and i know we’re getting strong

and the snow and the snow bitter cold

falling unexpectedly like we asked for more

and alone as you go as you go

march untill you collapse on the kitchen floor

feeling so soul sore

hold on to me

i’m gonna try hard to be everything you need

we’re gonna find it

that little mustard seed

we’ll press on

and another mile’s gone

and another mile’s gone

yeah another mile’s gone

it’s counting cause you suffer long